Loving Myself While Missing My Soul Mate

This morning I woke up not missing anyone in particular, but I missed the affection of another human.  I have been helping people around me heal, and have also been healing myself.  It has been exhausting at times, but I know that it has humbled me tremendously.  When I woke up I got this feeling of missing being in my soul mates arms, and all I wanted was to be held with my head buried on his chest.  I felt safe there and I didn’t want to let go.  Then I reminded myself that I could be that person holding me until he finds me.  I could bury me in myself by practicing self-care and self-love.  I am here for me to hold me when I need it, and talk encouraging words to keep moving forward.  This put me at ease, and I couldn’t help but smile.  I know that the more love I give to myself will lead me to that soul who will make me feel just as safe, and will protect me as much as I protect myself.  Our union will be a magical healing force.

 

Self-Love After A Break Up

My partner and I went through a break up this time last year (2016). As soon as it got cold the smell took me back to that heartbreak.  When I pass certain places especially a coffee shop that I would visit to get out of the house. I would start thinking of those days when I felt so lonely and depressed.  Everything seemed dead to me.  I was completely lost.  I feel like that break up prepared me for who I was to become in 2017.

In 2017 things are a bit different.  I feel like that break up pushed me to love myself more.  It made me stronger and I knew that no matter what I was going to be ok with or without him.  Before this break up I was clingy and I couldn’t see life without him.  I was scared to lose him so it made me very insecure.  Internal issues from childhood trauma.  This year has been about healing that part of myself.  It has been a rollercoaster, but I have noticed that I have transformed significantly.

(I found this in my drafts.  Even though it is old and incomplete I wanted to post it just to remind myself that all things have a purpose.  For me letting go is not ever easy.  I hold on longer than I have to, but in the end these are lessons used as opportunities to continue grow. This break up I speak of truly was my great push to loving myself).

Happiness

I went on a journey to discover what it meant to be happy.  I was one who thought that happiness was attached to something or someone.  When I found myself without that something or someone, I also found myself alone and unhappy.  So just recently when I became single for the first time in six years, I decided that it was time to find out what made me happy.  I put together a schedule of things to do that I thought would lead to what I was looking for.  I went dancing, hiking, drinking, concerts, etc.  What I found was that those things did bring happiness, but that feeling was only momentarily.  I found myself very unsatisfied when I was alone, and I kept looking for more ways to fill my schedule, so I could chase the feeling of being happy.  I was stopped in my tracks by the great universe of course. One day I decided to go to the beach, and I picked out a book from my bookshelf.  I had tried to read this book before, but I would quickly put it down and pick up my phone.  Another habit I must break.   So anyway, I opened the first few pages, and bam the words hit my soul.  I was blown away.  The message was very simple.  It said that my happiness should not depend on things, career, or people.  I should just be happy simply because I was alive.  It said that living in the present moment would bring the peace and happiness I was seeking. If I continued to dwell on my past, or wish I was already in my future, it would rob me of the magic that was creating in the present.  This was the message that I needed.

Now when I feel unhappy I check in with myself without distractions. When I am in an uncomfortable state, it is usually me still acting on attachment, and my need for things or people to make me happy.  I made a promise to myself that I would never allow that to happen.  This new way of being has not been easy, but like many other cycles I have broken, I know this uncomfortable pain I feel is a sign of growth.  I am now brave enough to face them and change them.  I want to truly be happy with myself, and so I owe it to me to continue to heal.  I can actually feel me changing into this person I hold in my thoughts.  I am happy with myself surrounded by all that adds more to that happiness.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Evolving

Evolving into one’s higher power is a beautiful gift one gives to oneself.  It means that you were brave enough to face your demons.  It means that you went into battle with yourself.  That is admirable, because sometimes the cause of being so brave can result in literal death.  Facing darkness while transforming can be a lonely place.  Many tears are shed during this stage.  Loosing sleep due to over-thinking. It will feel like you are thrown into the deepest ocean without knowing how to swim only to be expected to stay afloat.  So many end up drowning.  Those who made it out to only find a better version of themselves in their human body should not be considered stronger than those who decided to reach this evolution in their next reality.  It would be selfish of us to condemn in such a way.

When one reaches this evolution it is like no other feeling.  One feels like they can do anything in this life.  You never see the world the same.  You start appreciating all that surrounds your world. Your circle becomes smaller with only the chosen few that really love you.  Traveling seems like flying and getting to know different cultures is a better interest than a 9-5 job.  All you want to do is think of ways you can make the world a better place.  Knowing that you are an example to a better world, so you live with intention.  You live knowing that you are the higher self and the magic comes from your own thoughts.  You become a bit quieter when it’s time to listen to the universe, because the messages will help you maneuver through this life.  You start understanding that life will continue to be a roller coaster and finally accepting the lessons.  Evolving means to stop going against the current and let go.

Life Is Not Suppose To Be Easy

I struggle with this concept.  I always wanted life to be easy.  I’ve worked many years to get to the point where I can look around and tell myself, “life is easy.”  I have not gotten to that point, but I do feel sometimes that I am getting closer.  Everyday is a new layer of emotions that come up and I have to find the strength to overcome them.  I want to be happy even if it’s because I woke up in the morning, or that my girls are all fine and well.  I feel guilty because sometimes it is a chore to wake up and face another day of having to convince myself that I have come a long way.  That is painful sometimes when you feel so stagnant in this world.  Your purpose can seem so clear one day and the next day you feel unhappy with what you thought was your purpose.  This is why I am working on self-love and really diving into it.  I don’t want my happiness to depend on anything in this world.  I want to be happy just by existing, just being part of this world.  So I guess the phrase “life is not suppose to be easy” comes from knowing that there will always be ups and downs, it is how you deal with all that comes with being alive that will determine how easy or hard life will be.  There will always be situations that will happen in life that will turn it up side down for instance a death of someone that you really love.  That to me would be the most devastating news, but it is unavoidable because we will all get there one day.  I am waiting for my uh huh moment, but trying to enjoy the in between space where I find myself.  I am in between one door that closed not yet seeing the door that I can open. The in-between experiences are what I need to appreciate, because those are experiences that will shape me for my next journey.

The Journey To Spirituality

This journey to spirituality has opened up a lot of wounds. It is not easy all the time to walk this path. It is an everyday process, every second, minute and hour. It is very interesting the difference it feels when one is in alignment oppose to being out of alignment. We live in a very painful world so my determination to always being in alignment means that I continue to strip layers of conditions put on me since birth. Even though it has been uncomfortable, it has also been an amazing experience.

I am still struggling with being alone especially on the weekends. Since I could remember I never wanted to be home on the weekends. I had to learn to do that and still learning after so many years. Now that I have to spend it alone it has been very challenging. Even though I have my tarot classes on Saturday, on my drive home it feels very lonely. This is something I am working on and will accomplish it soon. I either attract great people to spend my weekend with, travel, or be comfortable being on my own. I would love a balance of all three, but only when I am confortable being alone.

Last Friday, I went to a women’s healing circle and oh my gosh it was magical. I was in bliss the whole time. It was life changing. We healed through movement, dancing and chanting. We danced alone in our own section of the room and cried out whatever we were healing. We came together and each of us led the movement to the music. This is what I have been needing all my life. I deserve to take care of myself. I love myself that much.

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