Self-Love After A Break Up

My partner and I went through a break up this time last year (2016). As soon as it got cold the smell took me back to that heartbreak.  When I pass certain places especially a coffee shop that I would visit to get out of the house. I would start thinking of those days when I felt so lonely and depressed.  Everything seemed dead to me.  I was completely lost.  I feel like that break up prepared me for who I was to become in 2017.

In 2017 things are a bit different.  I feel like that break up pushed me to love myself more.  It made me stronger and I knew that no matter what I was going to be ok with or without him.  Before this break up I was clingy and I couldn’t see life without him.  I was scared to lose him so it made me very insecure.  Internal issues from childhood trauma.  This year has been about healing that part of myself.  It has been a rollercoaster, but I have noticed that I have transformed significantly.

(I found this in my drafts.  Even though it is old and incomplete I wanted to post it just to remind myself that all things have a purpose.  For me letting go is not ever easy.  I hold on longer than I have to, but in the end these are lessons used as opportunities to continue grow. This break up I speak of truly was my great push to loving myself).

Happiness

I went on a journey to discover what it meant to be happy.  I was one who thought that happiness was attached to something or someone.  When I found myself without that something or someone, I also found myself alone and unhappy.  So just recently when I became single for the first time in six years, I decided that it was time to find out what made me happy.  I put together a schedule of things to do that I thought would lead to what I was looking for.  I went dancing, hiking, drinking, concerts, etc.  What I found was that those things did bring happiness, but that feeling was only momentarily.  I found myself very unsatisfied when I was alone, and I kept looking for more ways to fill my schedule, so I could chase the feeling of being happy.  I was stopped in my tracks by the great universe of course. One day I decided to go to the beach, and I picked out a book from my bookshelf.  I had tried to read this book before, but I would quickly put it down and pick up my phone.  Another habit I must break.   So anyway, I opened the first few pages, and bam the words hit my soul.  I was blown away.  The message was very simple.  It said that my happiness should not depend on things, career, or people.  I should just be happy simply because I was alive.  It said that living in the present moment would bring the peace and happiness I was seeking. If I continued to dwell on my past, or wish I was already in my future, it would rob me of the magic that was creating in the present.  This was the message that I needed.

Now when I feel unhappy I check in with myself without distractions. When I am in an uncomfortable state, it is usually me still acting on attachment, and my need for things or people to make me happy.  I made a promise to myself that I would never allow that to happen.  This new way of being has not been easy, but like many other cycles I have broken, I know this uncomfortable pain I feel is a sign of growth.  I am now brave enough to face them and change them.  I want to truly be happy with myself, and so I owe it to me to continue to heal.  I can actually feel me changing into this person I hold in my thoughts.  I am happy with myself surrounded by all that adds more to that happiness.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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