When we say we are going through an awakening, it doesn’t always mean that we have automatically cleared ourselves of bad thoughts. An awakening brings you awareness so you can become a better version of yourself. In the beginning of a transformation it can be very uncomfortable, because you see all the shit you still need to heal. You start realizing that there’s no one to blame for issues in your life, and that can be really hard, because it is easier to blame others for your misery. At least you can be mad at someone and not be forced to face your demons. I find myself frustrated when I feel I am taking several steps back in my spiritual journey, but in reality I’m taking several steps forward. Fighting bad thoughts is exhausting. Getting to that point is disappointing, but I know that is showing me where I still need to change. It is 4:28 in the morning. I am hoping when I wake up at 7:30am, I have cleared a lot of these negative thoughts. Goodnight/good morning
Right now, I am trying to heal the wounds that I came imprinted with when I entered this world. Chiron is placed in my 8th house and it is transiting my 7th house. My greatest pain has been with my relationships. I have always had issues with my self-esteem and that has affected a great deal of my life. I am able to council others and motivate them to believe in themselves, but it is hard when it comes to me. Since Chiron is transiting my 7th house I am healing the traumas I went through in my childhood with trust and abandonment issues. I have acted out too long in my romantic relationships that I am searching for ways in shedding those bad habits I picked up. So much shedding has happened this year that is leading me to my true self. I have to also overcome the fear of potentially being alone if my relationship with my current partner doesn’t work out, and remaining single for at least a bit. I have been one to jump from relationship to relationship. I think a six-month break would help me get in touch with myself, lol… I know more if necessary. Not pushing it. There’s less than two months in this year, and my birthday is in December. Let’s see how much more growing there is this year. I am just grateful that I am able to face my wounds, and have found the bravery to work on healing them. Tranformation has been painful, but shit I can’t give up o myself now. I’ve come too far.
I am still flinching from the lashes 2016 gave us all! Lol.. Seriously, I have never been in such a hurry while hiding under a rock to leave a year with so many lessons. Many people were taken last year. It was predicted in 2015 that in 2016 the earth was going to be clearing itself of many souls. Side note: It took many of the good ones! Good one universe.
Anyway, 2016 was not compassionate. Many of us strayed away from our purpose so it needed to bring us back to our calling. We have been neglecting and abusing mother earth for too long. We needed to be woken up and that is why we are stuck with Trump for at least four years. The people who have been going through an awakening and transformation have been doing so for the purpose in cleaning up the mess we have put ourselves into. We are in need of peace and balance.
Last year it was about letting go. Numerology number 9 is about letting go, death/dying and new beginnings. All the break-ups had a purpose and all the people you let go were not suppose to travel with you into 2017. In numerology, number one is about leadership, individualistic and independence.That is what 2017 is, a number one. This year is about rebuilding on a stronger foundation. All that was taken in 2016 was meant to go, because it was going to get in the way of you rebuilding a life that you have been wanting for yourself. All the things that returned, came back with a lesson. I hope you were listening.
In 2016 the blindfolds were taken off, or we ourselves took off the rose color glasses. We faced life with the truth, we actually demanded the truth. It was about taking off the mask and showing your true self. The people who are still being fake and were not exposed at the end of 2016 will face exposure of their true self in 2017. We are no longer accepting lies. Last year pushed us into wanting a more honest world. Thank you 2016 for the lesson.
Evolving into one’s higher power is a beautiful gift one gives to oneself. It means that you were brave enough to face your demons. It means that you went into battle with yourself. That is admirable, because sometimes the cause of being so brave can result in literal death. Facing darkness while transforming can be a lonely place. Many tears are shed during this stage. Loosing sleep due to over-thinking. It will feel like you are thrown into the deepest ocean without knowing how to swim only to be expected to stay afloat. So many end up drowning. Those who made it out to only find a better version of themselves in their human body should not be considered stronger than those who decided to reach this evolution in their next reality. It would be selfish of us to condemn in such a way.
When one reaches this evolution it is like no other feeling. One feels like they can do anything in this life. You never see the world the same. You start appreciating all that surrounds your world. Your circle becomes smaller with only the chosen few that really love you. Traveling seems like flying and getting to know different cultures is a better interest than a 9-5 job. All you want to do is think of ways you can make the world a better place. Knowing that you are an example to a better world, so you live with intention. You live knowing that you are the higher self and the magic comes from your own thoughts. You become a bit quieter when it’s time to listen to the universe, because the messages will help you maneuver through this life. You start understanding that life will continue to be a roller coaster and finally accepting the lessons. Evolving means to stop going against the current and let go.
I struggle with this concept. I always wanted life to be easy. I’ve worked many years to get to the point where I can look around and tell myself, “life is easy.” I have not gotten to that point, but I do feel sometimes that I am getting closer. Everyday is a new layer of emotions that come up and I have to find the strength to overcome them. I want to be happy even if it’s because I woke up in the morning, or that my girls are all fine and well. I feel guilty because sometimes it is a chore to wake up and face another day of having to convince myself that I have come a long way. That is painful sometimes when you feel so stagnant in this world. Your purpose can seem so clear one day and the next day you feel unhappy with what you thought was your purpose. This is why I am working on self-love and really diving into it. I don’t want my happiness to depend on anything in this world. I want to be happy just by existing, just being part of this world. So I guess the phrase “life is not suppose to be easy” comes from knowing that there will always be ups and downs, it is how you deal with all that comes with being alive that will determine how easy or hard life will be. There will always be situations that will happen in life that will turn it up side down for instance a death of someone that you really love. That to me would be the most devastating news, but it is unavoidable because we will all get there one day. I am waiting for my uh huh moment, but trying to enjoy the in between space where I find myself. I am in between one door that closed not yet seeing the door that I can open. The in-between experiences are what I need to appreciate, because those are experiences that will shape me for my next journey.
This journey to spirituality has opened up a lot of wounds. It is not easy all the time to walk this path. It is an everyday process, every second, minute and hour. It is very interesting the difference it feels when one is in alignment oppose to being out of alignment. We live in a very painful world so my determination to always being in alignment means that I continue to strip layers of conditions put on me since birth. Even though it has been uncomfortable, it has also been an amazing experience.
I am still struggling with being alone especially on the weekends. Since I could remember I never wanted to be home on the weekends. I had to learn to do that and still learning after so many years. Now that I have to spend it alone it has been very challenging. Even though I have my tarot classes on Saturday, on my drive home it feels very lonely. This is something I am working on and will accomplish it soon. I either attract great people to spend my weekend with, travel, or be comfortable being on my own. I would love a balance of all three, but only when I am confortable being alone.
Last Friday, I went to a women’s healing circle and oh my gosh it was magical. I was in bliss the whole time. It was life changing. We healed through movement, dancing and chanting. We danced alone in our own section of the room and cried out whatever we were healing. We came together and each of us led the movement to the music. This is what I have been needing all my life. I deserve to take care of myself. I love myself that much.
Since I am the writer and director of my own life, I am the only one responsible for me. I am responsible for how my life has turned out. When something negative happens in my life, I know it is me that has to work on me. I cannot blame my previous partner because this relationship ended. I cannot blame him for treating me the way he did. I wasn’t treating myself any differently. He has his own journey, and the only journey I need to worry about is mine. The only issues I need to worry about are mine. Only then will I be in same vibration with people around me. It is only when I reach my alignment that I will be able to attract a partner with same vibration. I really have so much love for myself. Here is why, I don’t ever give up on myself. I have been taking care of me these past few days. I’ve been my own best friend. It is exciting to awaken, and not blame anyone else for my life. It is liberating. It puts all responsibility on me, and keeps me from pointing fingers. It is up to me how I want my life to turn out.
Some videos that have helped me:
The Waiting period in life is the most frustrating. People say it is the period when one as a human will learn more, and gets closer to its higher self. Although I know this is true because of past experiences, I also know this is not the funnest part of life. It is many times painful, and feeling of loneliness can be unbearable. Depression visits too often, and tears flow to frequently, especially at night when no one is listening. Every morning is a struggle to survive, to enjoy the sunlight shining through your window. All you have to hold on to are the quotes that keep appearing on your newsfeed, “Love yourself in order to be happy.” So now you feel like you don’t love yourself, because you don’t feel happy in the waiting period of life. Then you remember that you have been the only one there for you, and you have been the only one that has gotten yourself out of your misery with self care and love. So you now took time to convince yourself that you indeed do love yourself, you are just stuck in the waiting period, and that is never fun.
I am currently in the waiting period. I was part of something that I thought was going to last a lifetime, then it ended and now I find myself not knowing where I am going. What am I suppose to be doing? I have days when I have so much courage to go back out into the world, and when I do I am faced with confusion. Nothing appeals to me. It is all superficial. Capitalism is so ugly, and it keeps humans from pursuing their life’s purpose. We are kept from our magic, and our true powers. So I find myself sitting still and trying to listen to my guide to my question, “What is my life purpose?” I don’t want to jump into something again that is not my life purpose. I’ve been waiting for over a year, and in that time I have gotten closer to my daughters. I’ve learned so much about my strength. The painful part of this is seeing people move at a hundred miles an hour, and you feel like you are going five miles an hour. Everyone looks content with their lives, and I am here still figuring out what am I going to do for the rest of my life.
It’s all good though. I know I will be alright, and I will come out stronger from this. It sound so cliche’ but I’ve been here before, and the universe has rewarded me for letting things flow in the past, and working through the pain of the waiting period in life.
This part is for men of color in the movement fighting for equality. This often means fighting for equality but what comes first are the rights for you. This is for the men who are still engaging in derogatory jokes and language about womxn. And for the men who who continue to use their “celebrity” status in the movement to take advantage of womxn which leads to some of those womxn to loose hope in the movement. This is for men of color in the movement who still refuse to see the equal power that those who identify as womxn have, and our ability to lead. This movement will never advance if you’re still set in your ways and want to hold onto all of the power. I for one will not be contributing to images of men that take away from womxn. I am in solidarity with Che, Malcolm X, Pancho Villa, but pushing these images clearly takes away from what womxn have done. It makes us believe that our leaders are men. We need to shift these images. It is time. #womenempowerment #empowerment #womxn #chingonas #magic #movement #spirituality #worldischanging #womenleaders #solidarity #womenofcolor #menofcolor #peopleofcolor