I struggle with this concept. I always wanted life to be easy. I’ve worked many years to get to the point where I can look around and tell myself, “life is easy.” I have not gotten to that point, but I do feel sometimes that I am getting closer. Everyday is a new layer of emotions that come up and I have to find the strength to overcome them. I want to be happy even if it’s because I woke up in the morning, or that my girls are all fine and well. I feel guilty because sometimes it is a chore to wake up and face another day of having to convince myself that I have come a long way. That is painful sometimes when you feel so stagnant in this world. Your purpose can seem so clear one day and the next day you feel unhappy with what you thought was your purpose. This is why I am working on self-love and really diving into it. I don’t want my happiness to depend on anything in this world. I want to be happy just by existing, just being part of this world. So I guess the phrase “life is not suppose to be easy” comes from knowing that there will always be ups and downs, it is how you deal with all that comes with being alive that will determine how easy or hard life will be. There will always be situations that will happen in life that will turn it up side down for instance a death of someone that you really love. That to me would be the most devastating news, but it is unavoidable because we will all get there one day. I am waiting for my uh huh moment, but trying to enjoy the in between space where I find myself. I am in between one door that closed not yet seeing the door that I can open. The in-between experiences are what I need to appreciate, because those are experiences that will shape me for my next journey.
This journey to spirituality has opened up a lot of wounds. It is not easy all the time to walk this path. It is an everyday process, every second, minute and hour. It is very interesting the difference it feels when one is in alignment oppose to being out of alignment. We live in a very painful world so my determination to always being in alignment means that I continue to strip layers of conditions put on me since birth. Even though it has been uncomfortable, it has also been an amazing experience.
I am still struggling with being alone especially on the weekends. Since I could remember I never wanted to be home on the weekends. I had to learn to do that and still learning after so many years. Now that I have to spend it alone it has been very challenging. Even though I have my tarot classes on Saturday, on my drive home it feels very lonely. This is something I am working on and will accomplish it soon. I either attract great people to spend my weekend with, travel, or be comfortable being on my own. I would love a balance of all three, but only when I am confortable being alone.
Last Friday, I went to a women’s healing circle and oh my gosh it was magical. I was in bliss the whole time. It was life changing. We healed through movement, dancing and chanting. We danced alone in our own section of the room and cried out whatever we were healing. We came together and each of us led the movement to the music. This is what I have been needing all my life. I deserve to take care of myself. I love myself that much.