Gloria Is Gone

They had been waiting since sunrise before hearing the news of their daughter’s outcome.  The plane she was in was shot down in Afghanistan, and there were no survivors.  They heard a knock at the door, and found two soldiers on the other side of the screen door.  They were there to deliver the bad news to Mary and John.  One of the soldiers said, “Your daughter’s remains were found.  We are sorry for your loss.” They stood their motionless almost feeling that life stood still.  The sound of Mary’s cry broke the silence as she fell to the floor.  She sobbed uncontrollably as John hovered over her body.  He wanted to shield her from the pain, but he too began to sob.  The officers remained on the other side of the screen with their heads bowed down, and arms folded in front of their bodies.  One of the officers was thinking to himself, “No matter how many times I do this, it doesn’t get easier.”  The other officer was thinking of his own daughter.  They were the same age, twenty years old.

“I can’t believe she is gone.  Our little girl is gone John.”  They stood by the door holding each other.  As they walked to the couch in the living room, they came across pictures of Gloria.  Mary grabbed one of the pictures she took when Gloria was in the fourth grade, and held it close to her chest.  She started to reminisce when Gloria decided she wanted to wear the yellow dress for the picture Mary was holding.  She told her mom that it made her feel like a beautiful flower.  She had two braids hanging down with yellow ribbons holding her braids together.  The picture became blurry as tears hit the frame.  John took care of calling the family members, including their older son, Steven.  He became angry as he heard the news, “Dad, I told her this was not the only way to become a journalist.  I told her not to go.” There was a moment of silence then, through sniffles, Steven told his dad he would be right over.  John took care of calling the rest of the family.  Mary walked over to her room to get ready.  They were expecting family to arrive within hours.  John found himself sitting alone in between calls, and memories started flooding his mind.  He remembered when she graduated from high school, she whispered in his ear, “Daddio you are my inspiration, and I know people say that parents can’t be their kid’s best friends, but you are my best friend.” After taking a deep breath, he said out loud, “You were the best in my life.”  He caught himself using the word “were” and felt a sharp pain in his throat traveling down to his chest.  He began to tremble as he buried his face in his hands.  Mary was in the shower longer than usual.  Her face remained under the shower nozzle with her eyes closed.  She couldn’t differentiate the drops rolling down her face, because her tears were coming down just as hard as the water that was releasing from the nozzle.  She remembered the first day her baby started school.  Gloria was being the brave one telling her mom, “It’s ok mom, you can go.  I’ll be fine.”  She remembered her walking bravely to her classroom.  Mary squatted on the tub hugging her legs and whispered, “I love you baby.”

Mary and John decided to have a private service only for friends and family.  They wanted to have something intimate to make sure they all grieved in peace.  The space was decorated with the most beautiful roses of every color.  Roses were Gloria’s favorite flowers. The guest were given the choice to bring their own arrangements to put around the casket.  Steven and John asked Mary if she wanted to be the first to speak.  They were all heartbroken, and wanted to make sure they were taking care of each other.  Mary, Steven and John walked over to the podium.  Mary stood in front of the microphone, and john and Steven stood on each side holding her hand.  Mary spoke softly as she thanked the guest for attending such sad but special event.  She continued by saying, “We are gathered here today because Gloria Hernandez has touched our lives, and has left an impression on us.  I know her passing has left a void in my heart, and I will miss her terribly.”  Her voice was shaky, and her hands were trembling.  She continued, “Gloria did not agree to this war after spending nine months in Afghanistan, but she fell in love with the people there, and felt that she had a responsibility to someday tell their stories.  We are proud of her bravery, and her commitment to finish the task that she started.”  Mary looked down for a while fighting the tears, then she looked up and said, “Darling, I miss you so much, and I want to take this opportunity to thank you for being my daughter.  You made me happy every single day.  I cannot wait until the day we see each other again.”  She wiped her tears that were now streaming down her face.  She continued, “I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.  I love you, Gloria.”

 

Follow Your Dreams

If you ever find yourself asking, “Should I follow my dreams?”  Yes! Follow your dreams.  It is crucial that you do, because if you don’t, you are compromising your happiness.  You can choose to live your life by being content with your safe job, but you will be missing the point as to why you came into this world.  You will stop a very important part of your growth, and this will catch up to you one day.  Look within yourself, and listen to that little voice inside.  If you are asking this question, that means that your soul is speaking to you.  Build up the courage to follow your path.

 

Self-Love After A Break Up

My partner and I went through a break up this time last year (2016). As soon as it got cold the smell took me back to that heartbreak.  When I pass certain places especially a coffee shop that I would visit to get out of the house. I would start thinking of those days when I felt so lonely and depressed.  Everything seemed dead to me.  I was completely lost.  I feel like that break up prepared me for who I was to become in 2017.

In 2017 things are a bit different.  I feel like that break up pushed me to love myself more.  It made me stronger and I knew that no matter what I was going to be ok with or without him.  Before this break up I was clingy and I couldn’t see life without him.  I was scared to lose him so it made me very insecure.  Internal issues from childhood trauma.  This year has been about healing that part of myself.  It has been a rollercoaster, but I have noticed that I have transformed significantly.

(I found this in my drafts.  Even though it is old and incomplete I wanted to post it just to remind myself that all things have a purpose.  For me letting go is not ever easy.  I hold on longer than I have to, but in the end these are lessons used as opportunities to continue grow. This break up I speak of truly was my great push to loving myself).

Happiness

I went on a journey to discover what it meant to be happy.  I was one who thought that happiness was attached to something or someone.  When I found myself without that something or someone, I also found myself alone and unhappy.  So just recently when I became single for the first time in six years, I decided that it was time to find out what made me happy.  I put together a schedule of things to do that I thought would lead to what I was looking for.  I went dancing, hiking, drinking, concerts, etc.  What I found was that those things did bring happiness, but that feeling was only momentarily.  I found myself very unsatisfied when I was alone, and I kept looking for more ways to fill my schedule, so I could chase the feeling of being happy.  I was stopped in my tracks by the great universe of course. One day I decided to go to the beach, and I picked out a book from my bookshelf.  I had tried to read this book before, but I would quickly put it down and pick up my phone.  Another habit I must break.   So anyway, I opened the first few pages, and bam the words hit my soul.  I was blown away.  The message was very simple.  It said that my happiness should not depend on things, career, or people.  I should just be happy simply because I was alive.  It said that living in the present moment would bring the peace and happiness I was seeking. If I continued to dwell on my past, or wish I was already in my future, it would rob me of the magic that was creating in the present.  This was the message that I needed.

Now when I feel unhappy I check in with myself without distractions. When I am in an uncomfortable state, it is usually me still acting on attachment, and my need for things or people to make me happy.  I made a promise to myself that I would never allow that to happen.  This new way of being has not been easy, but like many other cycles I have broken, I know this uncomfortable pain I feel is a sign of growth.  I am now brave enough to face them and change them.  I want to truly be happy with myself, and so I owe it to me to continue to heal.  I can actually feel me changing into this person I hold in my thoughts.  I am happy with myself surrounded by all that adds more to that happiness.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fighting Thoughts

When we say we are going through an awakening, it doesn’t always mean that we have automatically cleared ourselves of bad thoughts. An awakening brings you awareness so you can become a better version of yourself. In the beginning of a transformation it can be very uncomfortable, because you see all the shit you still need to heal. You start realizing that there’s no one to blame for issues in your life, and that can be really hard, because it is easier to blame others for your misery. At least you can be mad at someone and not be forced to face your demons. I find myself frustrated when I feel I am taking several steps back in my spiritual journey, but in reality I’m taking several steps forward. Fighting bad thoughts is exhausting. Getting to that point is disappointing, but I know that is showing me where I still need to change. It is 4:28 in the morning. I am hoping when I wake up at 7:30am, I have cleared a lot of these negative thoughts. Goodnight/good morning

Healing Trauma

Right now, I am trying to heal the wounds that I came imprinted with when I entered this world.  Chiron is placed in my 8th house and it is transiting my 7th house.  My greatest pain has been with my relationships.  I have always had issues with my self-esteem and that has affected a great deal of my life.  I am able to council others and motivate them to believe in themselves, but it is hard when it comes to me.  Since Chiron is transiting my 7th house I am healing the traumas I went through in my childhood with trust and abandonment issues.  I have acted out too long in my romantic relationships that I am searching for ways in shedding those bad habits I picked up.  So much shedding has happened this year that is leading me to my true self.  I have to also overcome the fear of potentially being alone if my relationship with my current partner doesn’t work out, and remaining single for at least a bit.  I have been one to jump from relationship to relationship.  I think a six-month break would help me get in touch with myself, lol… I know more if necessary. Not pushing it. There’s less than two months in this year, and my birthday is in December.  Let’s see how much more growing there is this year.  I am just grateful that I am able to face my wounds, and have found the bravery to work on healing them. Tranformation has been painful, but shit I can’t give up o myself now.  I’ve come too far.

Goodbye 2016

I am still flinching from the lashes 2016 gave us all! Lol..  Seriously, I have never been in such a hurry while hiding under a rock to leave a year with so many lessons.  Many people were taken last year. It was predicted in 2015 that in 2016 the earth was going to be clearing itself of many souls.  Side note: It took many of the good ones! Good one universe.

Anyway, 2016 was not compassionate.  Many of us strayed away from our purpose so it needed to bring us back to our calling.  We have been neglecting and abusing mother earth for too long.  We needed to be woken up and that is why we are stuck with Trump for at least four years. The people who have been going through an awakening and transformation have been doing so for the purpose in cleaning up the mess we have put ourselves into.  We are in need of peace and balance.

Last year it was about letting go.  Numerology number 9 is about letting go, death/dying and new beginnings.  All the break-ups had a purpose and all the people you let go were not suppose to travel with you into 2017.  In numerology, number one is about leadership, individualistic and independence.That is what 2017 is, a number one.  This year is about rebuilding on a stronger foundation.  All that was taken in 2016 was meant to go, because it was going to get in the way of you rebuilding a life that you have been wanting for yourself.  All the things that returned, came back with a lesson. I hope you were listening.

In 2016 the blindfolds were taken off, or we ourselves took off the rose color glasses.  We faced life with the truth, we actually demanded the truth.  It was about taking off the mask and showing your true self.  The people who are still being fake and were not exposed at the end of 2016 will face exposure of their true self in 2017.  We are no longer accepting lies.  Last year pushed us into wanting a more honest world. Thank you 2016 for the lesson.

Evolving

Evolving into one’s higher power is a beautiful gift one gives to oneself.  It means that you were brave enough to face your demons.  It means that you went into battle with yourself.  That is admirable, because sometimes the cause of being so brave can result in literal death.  Facing darkness while transforming can be a lonely place.  Many tears are shed during this stage.  Loosing sleep due to over-thinking. It will feel like you are thrown into the deepest ocean without knowing how to swim only to be expected to stay afloat.  So many end up drowning.  Those who made it out to only find a better version of themselves in their human body should not be considered stronger than those who decided to reach this evolution in their next reality.  It would be selfish of us to condemn in such a way.

When one reaches this evolution it is like no other feeling.  One feels like they can do anything in this life.  You never see the world the same.  You start appreciating all that surrounds your world. Your circle becomes smaller with only the chosen few that really love you.  Traveling seems like flying and getting to know different cultures is a better interest than a 9-5 job.  All you want to do is think of ways you can make the world a better place.  Knowing that you are an example to a better world, so you live with intention.  You live knowing that you are the higher self and the magic comes from your own thoughts.  You become a bit quieter when it’s time to listen to the universe, because the messages will help you maneuver through this life.  You start understanding that life will continue to be a roller coaster and finally accepting the lessons.  Evolving means to stop going against the current and let go.

Life Is Not Suppose To Be Easy

I struggle with this concept.  I always wanted life to be easy.  I’ve worked many years to get to the point where I can look around and tell myself, “life is easy.”  I have not gotten to that point, but I do feel sometimes that I am getting closer.  Everyday is a new layer of emotions that come up and I have to find the strength to overcome them.  I want to be happy even if it’s because I woke up in the morning, or that my girls are all fine and well.  I feel guilty because sometimes it is a chore to wake up and face another day of having to convince myself that I have come a long way.  That is painful sometimes when you feel so stagnant in this world.  Your purpose can seem so clear one day and the next day you feel unhappy with what you thought was your purpose.  This is why I am working on self-love and really diving into it.  I don’t want my happiness to depend on anything in this world.  I want to be happy just by existing, just being part of this world.  So I guess the phrase “life is not suppose to be easy” comes from knowing that there will always be ups and downs, it is how you deal with all that comes with being alive that will determine how easy or hard life will be.  There will always be situations that will happen in life that will turn it up side down for instance a death of someone that you really love.  That to me would be the most devastating news, but it is unavoidable because we will all get there one day.  I am waiting for my uh huh moment, but trying to enjoy the in between space where I find myself.  I am in between one door that closed not yet seeing the door that I can open. The in-between experiences are what I need to appreciate, because those are experiences that will shape me for my next journey.

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